Weekly Coaching Breakdown — Week 15
This week's breakdown comes from Jake, 28.
He's been with his girlfriend for five months. He thinks of himself as easygoing. Flexible. The kind of guy who doesn't need to control everything. When she asks what he wants to do, he says "Whatever you want." When she asks where he wants to eat, he says "You pick."
He thought he was being accommodating. She experienced something very different.
"I need help understanding what's going wrong.
I've been with my girlfriend for five months. Things were great at first, but lately she's been frustrated with me and I don't fully understand why.
Last week she asked what I wanted to do for dinner. I said 'Whatever you want is fine.' She sighed and said 'You always say that.' I told her I'm just flexible—I genuinely don't mind where we go. She said 'It's not about the restaurant. I just want you to decide something for once.'
Then this weekend she said something that really bothered me: 'I feel like I'm planning everything. Every date, every weekend, every decision. I'm tired of always being the one who has to choose.'
But I'm trying to be considerate. I don't want to drag her somewhere she doesn't want to go. I don't want to impose my preferences on her. Isn't it better to let her pick so she gets what she wants?
She's pulling back. Less affectionate. Seems annoyed with me more often. I don't understand how being flexible is a problem."
Jake.
She told you exactly what's wrong.
You're not being flexible. You're being absent.
And the reason you won't decide has nothing to do with being considerate.
What You Think You're Doing
You think you're being easygoing. Accommodating. A low-maintenance boyfriend who doesn't make everything about himself.
You're telling yourself: I'm letting her have what she wants. I'm not being controlling. I'm being a good partner by putting her preferences first.
But look at what's actually happening:
She asks what you want to do. You say "Whatever you want."
She asks where you want to eat. You say "You pick."
She asks for your preference. You say "I'm flexible."
Every single decision gets pushed back to her.
Why?
Not because you're flexible. Not because you're considerate.
Because you're afraid.
The Real Reason You Won't Decide
Here's what's actually happening underneath your "flexibility":
You're afraid of making the wrong choice.
If you pick the restaurant and she doesn't like it—that's on you. If you plan the date and it doesn't go well—that's your fault. If you make a decision and it's the wrong one—you failed.
So you don't decide. You defer. You let her choose. That way, if something goes wrong, it was her decision. You can't be blamed.
Your "flexibility" isn't generosity. It's self-protection.
You're outsourcing all decision-making so you never have to risk being wrong. You're avoiding responsibility so you never have to face her disappointment with your choices.
"Your constant 'What do you want to do?' questions are failing that test. You're demonstrating that you're uncomfortable with leadership and need her permission before making even simple decisions."
— Chapter 5, Flip The Fucking SwitchEvery time you defer, you're saying: I don't trust my own judgment. I need you to validate my choices. I can't act without your approval.
That's not consideration. That's dependence.
What She Actually Experiences
From your side, you're being flexible and low-maintenance.
From her side, here's what she experiences:
She wants to go to dinner. She asks what you want. You say "Whatever you want." Now she has to pick. She chooses a place. Was that the right choice? She doesn't know. You gave her no information about your preferences.
She wants to plan the weekend. She asks what you want to do. You say "I'm flexible." Now she has to plan everything. Research options. Make reservations. Decide timing. Handle all the logistics. While you contribute nothing.
"Pay attention to how your constant permission-seeking is actually annoying rather than considerate. You think you're being respectful by checking everything with her. But you're actually forcing her to make every decision while you seek approval for whatever she decides. This is exhausting for her and unattractive."
You're not being flexible. You're making her do all the work.
She didn't sign up to be the project manager of this relationship. She wanted a partner. Someone who takes initiative. Someone who has opinions and preferences and acts on them.
Instead she got someone who makes her lead everything while he follows along waiting for instructions.
Why This Kills Attraction
Here's what your constant deferring actually communicates:
→ You don't have preferences (which means you don't have a self)
→ You can't make decisions (which means you can't lead)
→ You need her approval before you can act (which means you're dependent)
→ You're afraid of being wrong (which means you lack confidence)
Every "whatever you want" is a small demonstration of weakness. Every "you pick" is a small abdication of leadership. Every "I'm flexible" is a small reveal that you don't trust yourself enough to make choices.
Accumulated over months, these small moments add up to a devastating picture: This man cannot lead. This man has no preferences. This man needs me to make every decision.
That's not a partner. That's a child waiting for instructions.
The Permission-Seeking Pattern
Look at how deep this goes. The book describes exactly what you're doing:
"Count the approval-seeking signals: 'If you're free' (seeking permission for the date itself). 'Maybe thinking' (hedging the suggestion). 'Dinner or drinks or coffee or really whatever you'd prefer' (providing every option to avoid making a decision). 'I'm totally flexible' (abandoning all preferences). 'What day works for you?' (letting her control scheduling completely). 'What kind of food do you like?' (seeking her input before making any decisions)."
— Chapter 6, Flip The Fucking SwitchEvery one of those phrases is you avoiding the responsibility of making a choice. Every one is you seeking her permission before you'll act. Every one is you demonstrating that you can't function without her validation.
And every one erodes her attraction a little more.
What You're Really Afraid Of
Let's get underneath this.
Why can't you just pick a restaurant?
Because if you pick and she doesn't like it, you'll feel like you failed. You'll feel like you made a mistake. You'll feel like you're not good enough.
Your worth is tied to her approval. If she validates your choice—if she enjoys the restaurant you picked—you feel good about yourself. If she's disappointed—if the choice wasn't right—you feel bad about yourself.
So you don't choose. You let her choose. That way your worth is never on the line.
But here's what you're missing:
Your worth is on the line either way. When you refuse to decide, you're not protecting yourself. You're demonstrating that you don't believe your judgment has value. That your preferences don't matter. That you're not capable of leading.
You're trying to avoid rejection by not putting yourself forward. But your absence of self IS the rejection.
What Leadership Actually Looks Like
"Under internal validation, you respond: 'Let's get dinner Thursday at 7. I'll pick you up at 6:45.' Notice what's present: Decisive statement. Clear time. Clear action. You've made decisions based on your judgment and you're stating them clearly."
— Chapter 6, Flip The Fucking SwitchSee the difference?
You're not asking permission. You're not seeking approval. You're making a decision based on your judgment and stating it.
She can have input. If Thursday doesn't work, she'll say so. If she hates Italian food, she'll tell you. But you're leading first—making a decision and stating it—rather than making her do all the work.
"This is the key distinction: Leading from Assumed Welcome means making decisions based on your judgment while remaining responsive to her actual needs. It's not asking permission for everything (which demonstrates insecurity), and it's not bulldozing her preferences (which demonstrates disrespect). It's comfortable leadership that assumes your judgment is valid while staying attentive to whether she's enjoying herself."
That's what she wants. Not control. Not domination. Just someone who can make decisions without needing her to validate every choice first.
The Exhaustion You're Creating
Think about what you're asking her to do:
→ Generate all the ideas
→ Make all the decisions
→ Handle all the planning
→ Take all the responsibility
→ Risk being wrong herself every time
While you sit back, contribute nothing, and then go along with whatever she decides.
That's not partnership. That's her dating herself while you spectate.
She's not pulling back because you picked a bad restaurant once. She's pulling back because she's exhausted from carrying the entire mental load of this relationship while you hide behind "flexibility."
Why "I Don't Care" Is A Lie
You told her you "genuinely don't mind" where you go for dinner.
That's not true.
You have preferences. You like some restaurants more than others. Some activities more than others. Some plans more than others.
But you've learned to suppress those preferences because expressing them feels risky. What if she disagrees? What if she doesn't want what you want? What if your preference is wrong?
So you say "I don't care" when you actually do care. You say "Whatever you want" when you actually have opinions. You've erased yourself to avoid the risk of being wrong.
But erasing yourself isn't safety. It's death by a thousand small abdications.
Your Assignment
This week, make decisions. Actual decisions.
When she asks what you want to do—tell her. "Let's try that new Thai place." "I want to see that movie." "Let's stay in tonight."
When plans need to be made—make them. Don't wait for her to generate options. Don't ask what she wants first. Decide something and state it.
Notice the anxiety this creates. Notice the fear: What if she doesn't want this? What if I pick wrong? What if she's disappointed?
That fear is exactly why you've been deferring. You've been trying to avoid that feeling by never putting yourself forward.
This week, feel the fear and decide anyway.
Ask yourself:
- What do I actually want right now? (Not what's "safe"—what do I want?)
- Can I state this as a decision rather than a question?
- Can I tolerate her having a different preference without collapsing?
The goal isn't to control everything. The goal is to exist. To have preferences and express them. To make decisions and own them. To be a person she's relating to rather than a void she's managing.
The Core Truth
She said she wants you to decide something for once.
She's not asking you to be controlling. She's not asking you to override her preferences. She's asking you to exist.
Your constant deferring isn't flexibility. It's fear. You're afraid of being wrong, so you never decide. You're afraid of her disappointment, so you make her choose everything. You're afraid of your judgment being rejected, so you never put it forward.
But you can't avoid rejection by erasing yourself. She's rejecting the absence. She's rejecting the void where your preferences should be. She's rejecting having to lead everything while you follow along contributing nothing.
She fell for a man. Not a man who asks permission for every micro-choice. Not a man who can't function without her validation. Just a man—someone with opinions, preferences, and the willingness to act on them.
That's what she's asking for.
Stop deferring. Stop hiding behind flexibility. Stop making her lead everything.
Start deciding.
Not because your choices will always be right. Because having choices—expressing them, acting on them, owning them—is what makes you a person worth relating to.
She doesn't need you to be perfect. She needs you to be present.
And presence starts with having preferences and being willing to state them.
See you next Monday.
Stevan
P.S. — The book covers decision-making and leadership extensively in the Responsibility pillar. The principle is clear: Leading doesn't mean controlling. It means making decisions based on your judgment while remaining responsive to her actual needs. That's what she's asking for. That's what you've been failing to provide.
P.P.S. — Got a pattern of deferring? Making her lead while you follow? Hiding behind "flexibility" when you actually have preferences? Send it to info@stevanterzic.com. I read every email. The best ones become breakdowns for the whole group.